Fat Friday: Tara Lynn, Whales, and Body Image

Tara Lynn, Photo Courtsey: Elle Magazine

A while back, at the entrance of a gym, there was a picture of a very thin and beautiful woman. The caption was “This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?”

The story goes, a woman (of clothing size unknown) answered the following way:

“Dear people, whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, seals, curious humans), they are sexually active and raise their children with great tenderness.
They entertain like crazy with dolphins and eat lots of prawns. They swim all day and travel to fantastic places like Patagonia, the Barents Sea or the coral reefs of Polynesia.
They sing incredibly well and sometimes even are on cds. They are impressive and dearly loved animals, which everyone defend and admires.

Mermaids do not exist.

But if they existed, they would line up to see a psychologist because of a problem of split personality: woman or fish?
They would have no sex life and could not bear children.
Yes, they would be lovely, but lonely and sad.
And, who wants a girl that smells like fish by his side?

Without a doubt, I’d rather be a whale.

At a time when the media tells us that only thin is beautiful, I prefer to eat ice cream with my kids, to have dinner with my husband, to eat and drink and have fun with my friends.

We women, we gain weight because we accumulate so much wisdom and knowledge that there isn’t enough space in our heads, and it spreads all over our bodies.
We are not fat, we are greatly cultivated.
Every time I see my curves in the mirror, I tell myself: “How amazing am I ?!

This picture of french model Tara Lynn and message below in a post originated by Delphine Feiberg has been reblogged over and over again. I came across it through a friend on her facebook page. I love the body positive message. However, what's obnoxious is it's a picture of an average sized woman and yet the message is of acceptance. Maybe I'm more sensitive to the term "whale" since I remember in 5th grade being called this name repeatedly. As if that time in a young girl's life isn't awkward enough, to have the immaturity of young boys call you a "whale" because you have hips and breasts before many of the other girls certainly added to my dysmorphic view of my body. It was the beginning of a continuous battle of being able to see myself clearly. Lately, I have been able to embrace my body and all of it's rolls and curves--even being at the heaviest I've ever been--but today is not one of those days. Today I woke up not wanting to look in a mirror, not wanting to get dressed, not want to have to try and find something to wear that I feel good in. Today is one of those days that I wish the sixteen year old girl version of me had the community of body acceptance and was exposed to more images of healthy looking women. Today is one of those days that knowing the size of my pants and the number on the scale haunts me and I long for the body I had a decade ago; one that I didn't love then. These melancholic feelings come usually once a month, becoming louder when my pmdd begins. I know this feeling will pass and I know that my increased lower back pain also makes other things less tolerable. 

While all of this inner struggle happens today, I will also get outside and appreciate the beautiful Autumn weather in the town I grew up in, spend time with my parents, and look forward to visiting with my younger sister in NYC tomorrow.

Did you experience bullying in adolescence? How does this image affect you, if at all? What is your reaction to what Feiberg wrote under the image? Comment below or email me shapedbymylife@gmail.com

PMDD, monthly

January is officially halfway through and it's cold and grey in Ithaca, NY.  When there is a sliver of sunshine, I usually struggle with feeling guilty for not wanting to crawl out of my cozy bed and get outside for those brief moments this time of year. Today, was not one of those days that I put up a fight.

My whole life I have suffered from terrible PMS and periods.  I started taking birth control pills when I was 16, which helped a lot with the physical pain during my period; but what I thought was just teenage angst and anger--which did exist--was very likely linked to a bigger problem.

This week was the beginning of PMS, Pre Menstrual Symptoms; however, I don't just have regular PMS, I suffer from PMDD: Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. Being newly unemployed, losing my job three days before Christmas, having the option to sleep more and not have to interact with the public as often certainly helps when dealing with these symptoms, but only a little.  It is an issue I haven't heard much about. No one else I know suffers from it.  When I asked at least fifteen women about some of the symptoms I was suffering from and none of them could relate I knew it was time to seek assistance.

Unfortunately, it took a severe depression (in the winter of 2009) and a close friend to accompany me to the free clinic, where we waited for at least an hour to see a doctor who within ten minutes prescribed me 20mg of Prozac, which I never took because having never been on medication before in my life, it made me nervous taking something like that without having a doctor to follow up with; which lead me to speak with a doctor at Planned Parenthood who wanted me to go back on a birth control pill, but after my refusal, prescribed me 10mg of Prozac daily, which I was told was one of the lowest doses. This made me feel worse, suicidal thoughts being one of the first side-affects listed for this anti-depressant, beyond ironic, I know.  I took myself off of it immediately. Finally, I made appointments both with a psychologist and psychiatrist via Tompkins County Mental Health.  I had to jump through the hoops of making a certain number of appointments with the psychologist before I could see the psychiatrist, but was able to speak with someone for more than five minutes and was then and now on a low dose of Zoloft.  Told to take it only the week I felt the symptoms, I did that for a few months; increasing the dose in the second month, but began feeling extreme side affects from acute withdrawl going on and off of it. So I made the decision to cut my dose back down to the original prescription and take it nightly and that has been helping.  It's not magic.  I still feel the symptoms and still deal with feeling shame, guilt, and confusion every month for everything seeming so difficult and overwhelming.  But I believe this is a women's issue that needs to be talked about; so I am putting a face and a voice to it.