This week has been a serious struggle. The unemployment benefits card still has not come in the mail and every time I have clicked the button to claim for the week I wonder if this is working, how long the wait will be, and who I should even call to confirm there is in fact, a card coming. I also had my first experience in DSS this week; the ten minutes I stood in line to drop off paperwork I had serious anxiety. My internal dialogue questioning myself, my life, my worth, and it's only the very beginning of the process. Now, intellectually, I'm aware that the system exists in order to help people in situations such as myself; however, waiting for grad school's to send me either rejection or acceptance letters while at the same time trying to get an appointment with someone at DSS to see if I can get assistance to pay my rent and food stamps is a very strange place to be in and one I have definitely never experienced before.
So I paint my nails. At night, when I am home in my rented room, and my monkey mind spins it's web of negativity based on all sorts of forms of fear that I'm not quite ready to disclose in any extreme detail, I clean off the prior color; take my time to meticulously clear cuticles and file down jagged edges or chipped tips. It's actually a great meditative task that needs my time and attention. I've had many restless nights recently, including last night. So since the universe hasn't sent me a sugar daddy yet and I also needed to calm myself down and just wanted a fun new color, I painted my nails Bachelorette Bash by Essie.
They have some of the best nail polish and it's worth the cost. Instead of spending more than what it costs to buy an entire bottle of nail polish out getting a manicure done by someone else, which I've always found extremely uncomfortable, I can take the time to quiet myself down and paint my own nails in the comfort of my own room and change nail color as frequently as I want. Instant gratification for something small like that is a girly and simple pleasure I will continue to enjoy.