Once known as the Saddest Day of the Year

Yes, that's right. January 23rd was once known as The Saddest Day of the Year.  And living in upstate New York, on one of the coldest days this year thus far-- accuweather called for a high of nine degrees-- it would be easy to succumb to the melancholy. But after a mere five hours of sleep and being curled up all cozy in flannel sheets, I looked out my window pleasantly surprised to see the sun was shining!

After brushing off the dusting of snow from last night, we set out for a birthday brunch at Northstar to celebrate turning twenty three on the twenty third--a once in a lifetime event. It reminded me of when I turned ten on the tenth and being born a little after ten at night, it seemed like a huge deal to me at the time.  Obviously, the celebrant was a bit more reserved about it all, but I've always been a fan of birthdays.  It's the one day of the year that is special, where people get noted for being alive, for surviving another year of the unexpected trials, misfortunes and curious events that come up; and they do: good, bad, and weird. It's the one day that people get recognized in adulthood; there are no invitations sent out with an RSVP for people who aren't engaged, having a house warming party, or baby shower.  And on one of the coldest days of the year so far, who doesn't want a reason to celebrate life.

Brunch was fun; good food, but certainly not the best. A bit disappointing since every time I've gone there for dinner, it has been quite good.

We both had two scrambled eggs, rye toast, potatoes and grits; I had bacon, he had vegetarian sausage.  Honestly, I know for a fact we can both make a much better breakfast, but it's nice to go out, especially when I haven't gone food shopping for the week because I'm trying to conserve the last of my cash until I find out what kind of assistance I can get. And of course, to start the day off in celebration!

By the time brunch was over, the sun was behind the clouds and it had started snowing again. But good company, good music, and a sweet treat mid-day certainly helped today lose it's title of the saddest day of the year, and just became another winter day and will always be an aquarians birthday.

Coffee and Unemployment

The other night I created a sister blog to this one on tumblr: Shaped By My Life.  It's not that I won't post pictures on here, but I wanted a space where I could post pictures I take myself and also pictures I find interesting, erotic, beautiful, and important.  I am still figuring out the design of this page--for now there is a link on the right-hand side of this page--so patience and also suggestions are greatly appreciated.

It is a difficult time of year for many in this region; more grey days and bitter cold temperatures--we are supposed to have a high of five degrees on Saturday--can drive people into seasonal depression, also known as seasonal affective disorder.  Not having a routine can really add to this if I allow all of the unknowns in my life right now to be a nonstop flashing neon sign in my mind.  Making a schedule for myself on a day to day basis is extremely helpful.  Living a few blocks away from one of the many local coffee shops, Gimme!, is a great way to not isolate inside my attic bedroom.

I was let go from my job of three and a half years three days before Christmas and am in the process of seeking financial assistance, while I look for work.  I have applied for unemployment and am waiting to find out if/when I will get anything from them.  I went to Tompkins Community Action today for help and was told there is a three year wait for section 8.  Clearly, that is too long being that the first of February is fast approaching and I need to be able to pay my rent now.  I have filled out forms for food stamps and will ask my landlord to fill out an assistance form so hopefully when I make the dreaded but necessary walk to DSS on Monday, I can get some more information and hopefully, help.  It is a humbling experience, and very frustrating at times, but we do not live in an era where graduating from college creates any more job security than if you don't.

Almost six years since graduating, I have just completed applications to grad school; ten schools total, so my days have been filled with a lot of "paperwork" (most of the applications were online). As stressful as the process was, with each school having several pages of information, different deadlines, and varying specificity for the statement of purpose and portfolio, now my days are filled with a lot of waiting.  I have never been good at waiting...

PMDD, monthly

January is officially halfway through and it's cold and grey in Ithaca, NY.  When there is a sliver of sunshine, I usually struggle with feeling guilty for not wanting to crawl out of my cozy bed and get outside for those brief moments this time of year. Today, was not one of those days that I put up a fight.

My whole life I have suffered from terrible PMS and periods.  I started taking birth control pills when I was 16, which helped a lot with the physical pain during my period; but what I thought was just teenage angst and anger--which did exist--was very likely linked to a bigger problem.

This week was the beginning of PMS, Pre Menstrual Symptoms; however, I don't just have regular PMS, I suffer from PMDD: Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. Being newly unemployed, losing my job three days before Christmas, having the option to sleep more and not have to interact with the public as often certainly helps when dealing with these symptoms, but only a little.  It is an issue I haven't heard much about. No one else I know suffers from it.  When I asked at least fifteen women about some of the symptoms I was suffering from and none of them could relate I knew it was time to seek assistance.

Unfortunately, it took a severe depression (in the winter of 2009) and a close friend to accompany me to the free clinic, where we waited for at least an hour to see a doctor who within ten minutes prescribed me 20mg of Prozac, which I never took because having never been on medication before in my life, it made me nervous taking something like that without having a doctor to follow up with; which lead me to speak with a doctor at Planned Parenthood who wanted me to go back on a birth control pill, but after my refusal, prescribed me 10mg of Prozac daily, which I was told was one of the lowest doses. This made me feel worse, suicidal thoughts being one of the first side-affects listed for this anti-depressant, beyond ironic, I know.  I took myself off of it immediately. Finally, I made appointments both with a psychologist and psychiatrist via Tompkins County Mental Health.  I had to jump through the hoops of making a certain number of appointments with the psychologist before I could see the psychiatrist, but was able to speak with someone for more than five minutes and was then and now on a low dose of Zoloft.  Told to take it only the week I felt the symptoms, I did that for a few months; increasing the dose in the second month, but began feeling extreme side affects from acute withdrawl going on and off of it. So I made the decision to cut my dose back down to the original prescription and take it nightly and that has been helping.  It's not magic.  I still feel the symptoms and still deal with feeling shame, guilt, and confusion every month for everything seeming so difficult and overwhelming.  But I believe this is a women's issue that needs to be talked about; so I am putting a face and a voice to it.