Thursday, March 24, 2011

Breaking the Silence

I have many drafts in my potential-posts list, but I haven't had the mental energy to tackle any of them.  My February funk managed to muster up enough energy to follow me well into the month of March: many rejection letters into the waiting period about whether or not graduate school is in the near future, if in the future at all, accompanied by pmdd, messing up medication more than once, relationship questions & quandaries, a birthday bringing me closer to the end of my twenties (to be honest, I've been over my twenties pretty much since they started), and a benchmark of time--three years--I haven't consumed alcohol or anything a cop wouldn't find amusing if pulled over and searched; this month has been trying, to say the least.

*To be uncertain about something; to be undecided in opinion or belief.
*To distrust.
*A feeling of uncertainty about the truth, reality, or nature of something.
*Obsolete. Fear; dread. 
Which brings me to my next word...
*A distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc. 
whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid. 
*Concern or anxiety.
*To regard with fear; be afraid of. 
*Archaic, to experience fear (in oneself).

Existing in this space seems impossible at times, all consuming, and then little moments of relief.  I don't even like admitting how much fear has been just below the surface of my skin, scratching away at my insides--and I have snapped, both mentally, at times totally unable to quiet the continuous questioning, eventually bringing my frustrations out of myself and spewing emotions all over the place.

The one thing I have been able to do during this time is continue to workout. The gym provides salvation.  Once an athlete, and having struggled with body image issues and my relationship with food since about the age of twelve, I am setting goals and working towards them.  Feeling like I have absolutely no control over so many different aspects of my life right now (even though control really is a delusion), one thing I can do is eat better and take care of my body.  Just over three months without a cigarette, and I have increased my workout routine, which now includes elliptical & treadmill walking/running, weight lifting, two yoga classes, and a two hour spinning class, but I wanted something more.  Community and support!  I have networks of people in practically every other aspect of my life, so why not with working out?  So, I joined a bootcamp program at the gym.  It's eight weeks long, Tuesdays and Fridays 5:30-7pm, and it will be the first time since being on a swim team, I'll be working out with people with a common goal. 

My short term goal is to complete the eight week bootcamp session, continue my two yoga classes a week, the two hour spinning class, weight train, walk/jog.  I'd like to add swimming back into my routine as well.  My long term goal is to then train for a sprint Triathlon.  I grew up with my father competing in Triathlons, waking up very early on Sunday's to watch him race. The run is what kept me from ever training before, but I'm hoping I can begin to channel my inner runner. 

I know many women and men who can contribute to this dialogue, so I hope that's what this post can do.  Open a dialogue between myself and anyone who can share their experiences, struggles, hopes, and triumphs.  If you are uncomfortable posting a comment using your name, you can always post anonymously, or you can send me an email which will always remain confidential at

1 comment:

  1. Heyyyy! It is Heather. I'm glad you posted your blog on FB. I didn't know you had one! I have read through a few entries and I am feeling you. Times are real weird right now but I think you are doing awesome and positive things for yourself and I'm proud of you.

    What are your thoughts on teaching? I wonder if there are places in Ithaca where you could run a writing workshop or something along those lines. You can also substitute teach in NY with a bachelor's degree. I just started doing this and it is fun and not fun just like any other job and the pay is decent.

    I have a blog, too, but it is mostly making fun of myself. You might like some of the recent entries. I just found some high school poetry and love letters: